When I Almost Had It All…

Let me preface this by saying that I’ve had a few glasses of wine, so this is either going to be one of the realest posts I’ve ever written or a huge regret in the morning…

Fuck it.

I haven’t written in a while, and for that, I’m sorry. Sometimes I have so much going on in my brain and my heart, I just can’t find the words to explain what I’m feeling. So I disappear. But right now, I can’t hold it in any longer. I’m so tired of trying to be strong when I feel so weak. I just need to vent.

I’m absolutely shattered, and the tears won’t stop falling down my face. Mornings and late nights are the worst. That’s when I just break down. During the day, I’m fine. My coworkers and busy schedule keep me focused on other things, even though I’ve had to sneak some bathroom breaks to let it all out.

What happened, you ask? Man. I had it all. And then in the blink of an eye, it was taken from me.

Remember when I talked about meeting someone special? And how they helped me finally close the chapter on something that should have been done a long time ago? Well, that person reappeared into my life. And it was like a fucking movie.

I kid you not, I thought I was living a dream. He hit me up, we met up, talked until the sunrise, hashed everything out, and for the first time ever, I thought, “Wow, I could really have it all.” He was everything. I finally felt validated, you know? Like, I wasn’t crazy for holding out all these years and  preaching about never settling. Here he was–the man of my dreams, but better, because he was real, and for the first time, I questioned if I ever really loved anybody else, because what I felt for him was something else.

We connected on another level. I talked to him about things I’ve never talked to anyone about before. And he just got me. It was all so easy. I was convinced this was it. This was the person I was meant to be with. I was walking around with the goofiest smile on my face all day, just from the thought of him. I bragged about him to all of my friends. Even my co-workers were asking me what the reason was behind that extra pep to my step. And I forgot how good that felt.

The time we spent together was better than anything I could imagine in my head. Like, frolicking in the ocean at night and talking about real shit–type of shit (I curse a lot when I’m tipsy, my bad). My heart was so full. I was so happy. And just like that–it vanished.

One day, we were texting, and he stopped responding. Oh, he’s probably busy. The next day, I still hadn’t heard from him, so I text him. No response. Following day, same shit. At this point, I was convinced he was trapped in a ditch somewhere and I was supposed to go save him. Never returned my calls. No texts back. WTF?!

I was seriously worried. Until I saw that he “liked” some Instagram pictures. Oh, hell no. This bitch is still alive? Now I wanna kill him.

It’s been a week, and I still haven’t heard from him. All of my messages have been ignored. I have no idea what’s going on. Maybe he’s in love with someone else? Maybe he’s afraid of what this could be? Maybe he’s gay? Fuck if I know.

Whatever the reason is, he’s not doing anything to try and make it work. Or at least, put me up to speed. He’s leaving it up to my brain to assume, and that’s always a bad idea.

I just find it crazy how one day, I feel like I’m on top of the world. And the next, it’s like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I forgot how gruesome and draining heartbreak can feel. I’ve sheltered myself from it. I never got too close. I kept my wall up. But, for the sake of feeling something real, I let it all down. And boy, I’m feelin’ it, all right.

I don’t want this to make me bitter or convince me that I should give in to the desire I have right now of burying myself into a hole and just going MIA from everyone and everything (because trust me, all I want right now is to disappear). The crazy part is–I still believe. I still believe that I’m going to have that love that I dream of. And maybe that makes me crazy, but fuck man, I deserve it.

I’m a good person. I love with everything I have, and it’s a damn shame to think that I’ll never get that in return.

Right now, I see the world in gray. I’m not as optimistic as I’d like to be and I’m struggling to find hope. But that day will come when I’m back to my normal self. I’ll pick myself up and move on, like I have time and time again, because I refuse to accept that true love–the kind of love people wish and pray for–is not out there for me.

It is, and I owe it to myself to believe in it. I just hope that the guy I’m meant to be with doesn’t lose hope, either, because I’m here waiting for you, boo, and when the time is right, we’ll both know that it was all worth it.

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2 Comments

  • Gf, you and me are on the same boat. I just got my ass “friend zoned” and here I thought my prince charming was here to rescue me from all these douchebags I dated and a month later he says he’s “damaged” and “doesn’t want anyone to like him” my heart hurts because I’ve been waiting and not settling for anyone and guarded…I felt like I finally had someone to tell anything and everything to and it feels like he was just taken from me.. It truly does suck…but we will find Him. We can’t lose hope.

  • I felt evey word as if you took a peek into my head and you knew what I was going through. I try to be hopeful and honestly I’m tired. It’s abso-fucking-lutely draining to put yourself out there and not get in return what you give. What is a girl to do??

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