This May Be One of My Most Vulnerable Moments With You

If I’m going to b there are a lot of unresolved feelings that weigh heavily on me, that’s no surprise. But last night, I was definitely caught off-guard, and I was hesitant on sharing this with you, because I was afraid of being judged or showing too much of the part of me that I keep to myself. And then I remembered–that’s what this is all about.

How can I, the creator of The Problem With Dating and No. 1 promoter of expression, sit here and even think twice about not leading by example?

So here we are.

Yesterday, I began toying with the idea of voice recording some of my written pieces. I hardly ever read what I write out loud. I just let my fingers do all the talking, and then put it away to read for another day. But sometimes, here and there, I read it back to myself. And let me tell you, hearing your voice say the words, as opposed to just reading them silently in your mind, has a completely different affect.

It just makes it more…real.

After recording a few pieces on this app I became obsessed with, I started flipping through some pages of the book I was going to put out. I came across a piece I wrote about a guy who broke my heart almost two years ago now, and although I’d like to think I gave myself closure in that situation (because the way it ended was very WTF), I realized that may not be the case.

Because in the middle of the recording, I started crying.

The entire piece is about a conversation that never came to be, and maybe saying some of those words out loud struck a chord with me and brought feelings back to the surface.

Either way, I’ve decided (despite my fear of being ridiculously vulnerable with you) to share this recording with you, because maybe you’ve felt what I felt, too.

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1 Comment

  • I feel that.
    I’ve known a person for so long, but never really knew them. I would have the imaginary conversations and let other things build what I knew about them.
    But… really, at the end of it, they were exactly how imagined.
    Insecure
    Paranoid
    Selfish
    Loving
    Passionate
    Deep
    So many words that even explained myself.
    We had so much in common that it seemed like too much.
    We even thought in the same ways.
    But they didn’t want to start over.
    They started a family and it failed and they were too scared to start over to have it fall to pieces like it had before.
    But I told them how I truly felt.
    How I loved them.
    How I couldn’t see anything without them, because in reality, I had spent most of my life wanting this life with them.
    Rather than taking it further and explaining more feelings they became detached.
    Even though we still talk, and we maintain an awkward friendship, I want to pull away.
    I want to let go.
    They were never cold.
    They were always honest.
    And because they left me with, “not right now,” I keep this childish thought, that eventually, we will be together.
    That we will have the life WE had always dreamt of.
    But no..
    We’ve dealt with too many emotions to have that beautiful existence.
    Maybe.. eventually..
    We will have that..
    But who wants to wait that long?
    I do
    I do because I love them more than I have ever loved myself or anyone I have had the pleasure to experience.
    They know I love them like this.
    So is it waiting?
    Or is it torture?
    I just hope
    I wish
    I pray
    That they will be with me until my end of days.

    To them,
    You know I love you and will always take care of you.
    So please, if there is truly never an us..
    Let it all go
    Let me go
    And understand that I am not angry that you wanted something different.
    That I am not angry because you didn’t love me as much as I loved you.
    But that I am happy that you could be true to yourself.
    Because at the end of the day, I will always love you and i will always want you to be happy.

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