The Moment I Realized I’m Undateable

I’m sure you read the title of this, rolled your eyes, and wrote it off as some sad story complaining about how my dating life suuuuuucks! But keep reading, and you might see it a little bit differently, just like I do.

The last year and a half of my life has been surreal. I’ve been completely out of the dating game, but not for your usual reasons like “I’m taking a break,” or “I’m working on myself,” or the ever-so-popular “I’m doing me!”

For me, it’s a little bit different. It’s something more permanent than just working on myself for a year or two.

I quit dating because I realized that I’m not really the type of guy that people want to date or be in a relationship with. At first it was painful to come to the conclusion that I’m “undateable.” I mean, who the hell would want to consider themselves to be that way?

But it’s actually been one of the greatest things that’s ever happened to me. But before I get into that, I’ll let you guys in on how I figured it out.

We’ve all heard the different reasons for being turned down. They’re not ready for a relationship right now, they just got out of a relationship and just want something casual, they’re working on themselves, they’re moving to Antarctica (kidding!…hopefully). The list goes on and on and on. Whether they’re legit reasons or not, we’ve all heard ’em.

I’d hear them all the time. I’d meet a girl, we’d have this great chemistry, and then I’d get hit with “the excuse.”

But I started to notice a disturbing trend. After telling me they “weren’t ready for a relationship,” that same girl would enter into a relationship with another guy between 2-3 months later (in one case as early as two weeks later!). It actually got so predictable that I would be able to call it (like clockwork) before it even happened! If only we could bet on this in Vegas!

About two years ago, it happened again with a girl that I really thought it would work out with.

It ended up being the exact…same…result, but with double the heartache in the end. She was beautiful (probably out of my league), we went on some great dates, the chemistry was undeniable, we clicked, and I thought it was finally my time to break the streak.

Surely enough, she came at me with the “BTW, I just got out of a relationship, just want something casual,” blah blah blah.

I know, I know! I should’ve bounced as soon as she said that shit, especially after all I had been through. Trust me, I knew what I should have done. But this girl was just so great, I knew I had to try and stick it out this time. After all, I had walked away from so many similar situations because of my past, and I just had to see this one through. I knew we could break through that barrier if I played it cool enough.

By now, I’m sure you guys know the rest of the story. It ended because she wasn’t looking for a relationship. About three months later (surprise! surprise!), I see that she’s in a relationship.

So there I was! Failed again. This was supposed to be the time it finally worked out. When I wasn’t looking for a relationship, when I was looking for a relationship, when it was a girl I really liked, when it was a girl that I could do without, it was always the same result.

I had to accept the fact that I am “undateable.”

But like I said earlier, coming to this realization has been one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. Once I started owning it, I became more comfortable in my own skin. I don’t worry about rejection anymore because I’ve already been through the worst rejections. It’s helped rid me of a lot of my own insecurities because I’m more accepting of who I am. My mind is freed up to think about more important things than why dating has never worked out for me, or why women never thought I was good enough for them. It’s just completely turned an insecure, worry wart kid into a man who is comfortable with himself, his path and all the good and bad that comes with it.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I will admit to you guys that there are two days out of the year when I do feel bad about my undateableness? Undateability? Whatever the hell you wanna call it. And those days are Valentines Day and New Years Eve. But hey! 2/365 days ain’t too bad!

I know admitting that you’re undateabale still sounds fucked up to a lot of you. It’s definitely not something that most people would admit or accept about themselves. But maybe your takeaway from this post is that no matter what your lifestyle is, no matter what you think about yourself, no matter what others think about you, no matter how crazy, fucked up or lonely your path is…own that shit!

Accept your strengths, accept your weaknesses, and don’t let anything stop you from being comfortable with yourself.

After all, the happiest people in the world are the ones who are comfortable in their own skin. So embrace your flaws, embrace your weirdness, and if you’re like me, embrace your undateableness (OK seriously, I’ll come up with a better word for this soon).

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  • I feel the same way Rajiv. The one or two women in my 42 years on this rock called earth barely wanted me (and I was never too crazy for them either), and the ones I wanted never gave me the time of day.

    At 42, I also find myself no longer caring for whether or not women want me. I refuse to let the lack of a partner weigh me down. Plus dating is super expensive. And to throw my hard earned money on a w̶o̶m̶a̶n̶ girl who just wants to use my wallet? No thanks. Go buy your own drinks.

    The sad truth Rajiv, is that we (men) are weak. The majority of men will bend over backwards for a girl who will treat us like garbage anyways. I should know. I was one of them, until I realized I was tired of their games, and said enough is enough!

    For the first time in my life I’m actually happy.
    The media has a funny way of brainwashing us into believing we need a partner and if we don’t have one, something is wrong with us so we should feel sorry for ourselves.

    I refuse to allow any other person control my happiness. Life’s too short! 🙂

  • I’ve heard women like men who are confident. I have never been confident. Nor do I feel the need to think I’m “great” or “worth it” or whatever. I have tried to date all different types of ladies, but in the end, I was the common factor in why it didn’t work. What’s more, is I don’t want to subject anyone to my low self-esteem, lack of goals and money, lack of hair, blackness, etc. That is not fair to them. For me to put lipstick on the pig that is myself, only to crumble again in six months, or a year, or whenever, well, I really believe I’m doing a service to the world by NOT dating. Not everyone should reproduce. It has been my experience that women choose who passes their genes on, and who does not, and that is okay. No woman owes me anything. I would never date myself. Not forever alone, since I dated a bunch of people all through my twenties.

    TL;DR: I enjoy my own company, I cannot expect others to feel the same way.

  • I came to the same realization this summer. It happened after yet another relationship ended because of the “excuse”. The second this year. The first dating experience of 2017 ended with he couldn’t date me because his ex ( the relationship ended a year prior to us meeting) had terminal cancer and she was moving to Florida ( multiple states away) to live with her family so obviously he couldn’t date me. While I sympathized with his situation the two issues just didn’t equate. The second ended because his ex was causing an issue with his custody situation- but it was a lie, within 2 weeks his FB status had him in a relationship. So I too am undateable. I’m not at the point that I’m happy with the situation but I. Am. Trying. I was recently called a spinster aunt by a coworker I don’t know very well and it didn’t really upset me, so I think that is progress. I hope you are still happy regardless of relationship status, I hope I will be too.

  • Don’t blame yourself. Historically men are supposed to die before 40 and women have had multiple husbands over the course of their lives. Men are living longer and women are doing mostly masculine things because their whole lives are a competition to show off what they have rather than who they are.

    Stay single my friend. Find a way to travel and build things. Get a dog and live your life. If you do get attention from women, it’ll because you are free and they’re attracted to that freedom. If you let one in, keep on your path whether she follows or not.

  • There are so many things wrong with this world. I have only been in one relationship and it ended terribly. I found out the girl didn’t even like me and was seeing two other guys (at least) behind my back while harrassing and assaulting me over the things she was doing. I have been lied to by almost every girl (which isn’t many) that I have actually been interested in. As of late, girls won’t even respond to me. I’m a very kind person who may not be the smartest nor the most popular nor am I anywhere near rich. I wasn’t born into some desirable lifestyle and I’m not model material but I consider myself to be attractive most days. I am not obese nor lazy and I care about those around me. I am a good person and I don’t deserve to be treated the way that I have by these girls who label themselves as women but truely are not.

    There is something fundamentally wrong and I do not want to accept that it is me nor should anyone else. That’s what society wants us to think. If no one wants to date me, then so be it. It may suck from time to time but I’d rather meet someone worthwhile who sees me for who I am and not for what I have. If you cannot, then I want nothing to do with you but if you do, then I welcome you with open arms.

    Don’t let anyone tell you you’re undateable. Love yourself and do what you enjoy. Fuck society.

  • At 50 years of age I have come to realize I am Undateable. Perhaps too broken from shitty relationships in the past. Whatever it is, even though I didn’t date for 12 years and then have tried dating for the last few… It’s as clear as the nose on my face. I am Undateable. It’s not just men… it’s women too.

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