The Fear of Being Forgotten

*This was first published on PattiKnows.com

When did Los Angeles make me so crazy?

I always pride myself on being the rational one. After all, there’s a reason that I’m the single friend always giving relationship advice. But when the tables are turned and I find myself in the midst of yet another potential lover, my brain goes on overload and I quickly enter the land of “Let’s Overanalyze Everything to the Point of No Return.”

It’s exhausting and it’s time-consuming and it’s pretty embarrassing if we’re going to be completely honest.

I think I have a pretty cool exterior, though. I don’t let the guy that’s man-handling my mind know that he’s constantly running through my brain. But I know it’s happening. My girlfriends know its happening, thanks to my constant what-do-you-think-this-means texts (bless their hearts) and I just couldn’t figure out why or how this switch inside of me would happen. Why did Bruna, the chill and super-awesome girl suddenly become Bruna, the over-analyzing and doubtful freak?

And then, the proverbial lightbulb turned on above my head. I’m afraid of being forgotten.

Because who knows if he’s thinking of you? Maybe he is. Maybe he’s not. Maybe he did earlier in the day. Maybe he’s asleep and having a sex dream about you.

Sure, it may be because I’m an only child and was spoiled with attention my entire life, or maybe it’s just human nature to want to be seen, to want to be recognized and to want to be remembered by those we care about.

“For a long time, she tossed and turned, unable to sleep, wondering if maybe, just maybe, he was awake and thinking of her, too.”

The only thing that quote is missing is “…and it’s annoying as shit.”

Because who knows if he’s thinking of you? Maybe he is. Maybe he’s not. Maybe he did earlier in the day. Maybe he’s asleep and having a sex dream about you. Who knows?!

So you tell yourself to stop. Just stop obsessing. But how? How do you stop yourself from thinking about whether or not someone is thinking of you?

know I invest way too much time and energy wondering about a guy I like. Practically every free minute is spent stalking all of his social media just because I can (oh, stop, you do it, too!), followed by a nice daydream of our future together. But what about me? Does he do that with me, too?

While we’re so quick to note how much time we spend thinking about someone, we’re just as quick to assume that they don’t think of us at all, and that doesn’t usually sit well.

We may be the most self-centered generation to walk this earth, and social media only helps feed the need for our egos to be stroked (and by stroked, we mean double-tapping our Instagram pictures and sending us text messages, of course).

So we make sure our existence is known, whether that be by tweeting something worthy of a response or posting a sexy selfie on IG to see if he likes it…or even better, texts you because you’re so freakin’ hot. But if those don’t work and you still haven’t heard from him, you assume it’s because he forgot about you. Ugh, I hate that. And how do you stop thinking that way? Dear Brain: Stop being so fucking ridiculous. Thanks!

Just because someone doesn’t take the time to let you know that you’re on their mind, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

If only it were that easy.

So what do we do? Do we continue self-loathing? Do we continue thinking we’re that easy to forget?

Hell no.

There’s no one else like you. There’s no one else like me. There never was and there never will be. And if you share a genuine connection with someone, how could they forget that? They can’t.

Just because someone doesn’t take the time to let you know that you’re on their mind, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

But man do I appreciate the ones that do, because there’s probably nothing better in this world than knowing that the person who occupies so much of your mind, thinks of you, too.

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