That’s What She Said: Pet Names, Dating Jerks, Intimidating Careers and Settling

“Hi Bruna!! I am LOVING your blog! So I’m going to start sending you things that drive me crazy about dating lol

Maybe you should touch on guys calling girls ‘babe.’ I understand when you’re in a relationship with someone and they call you ‘babe’ because it’s kind of like a pet name. But I’ve had guys call me babe on the FIRST date… which drives me crazy! It’s like – I just met you, I hardly know you and I’m definitely not your babe!

Then there are guys that you’ve maybe gone out with a few times, you like them, and they start calling you babe (especially in texts)…it’s hard not to read into it and hope that it means they’re into you. But in all reality, it could be something they call all girls and it means absolutely nothing!

I sometimes wonder…Is it a term of endearment? Or are they sending out a mass text telling a bunch of girls ‘good night babe’?”

Thank you! And I totally know what you mean. When you’re in a relationship it’s totally different. Pet names are inevitable. But on a first date?! Yeah, that’s annoying. I’ve had guys admit to me that they’ll call women those names (babe, sweetheart, cutie…etc) because they can’t remember their name! How awful is that?! I’m not saying that’s why this guy did it, but regardless, you kinda sound like a douche. “Oh, hey babe.” Um, we’ve never even hung out.

When I initially got your question, I was with a girlfriend of mine and talked to her about it. She then told me that one time, a guy mass text something like “Hey sweetie. What are you doing?” and she saw that there were other girls on the text. WHO DOES THAT?! Complete burn. So yes, that does happen.

I understand that when you like a guy and he uses names like that it turns from douchey to ‘OMG say it again,’ lol. Try not to let that happen. Unless you guys are getting serious, pet names just seem weird. But you can also just tell by the type of guy he is. If he seems like a genuine guy, then it’s probably coming from a good place. If he seems like a player, well, you already know.

“Why is it that women cry and complain about how bad men are and how wrong they are treated by them. ‘Its hard to find a good man’ they say. The minute they find a good man, who is good to them and treats them right and gives them the respect they deserve, they become uninterested. It seems like they want/need the jerks in their life.  I wonder sometimes if it is all just a game they play or if it is just the attention at that moment that they seek out. I come across this problem quite often, as I believe that chivalry is not dead and there are still some of us good guys left, but we are taken for granted. What are your thoughts?”

Hmm…that’s a tough one. There can be multiple reasons. I don’t think any woman goes out searching for an asshole, but do we date them? Yes. More than we’d like. Why? *shrugs*

I think it kinda goes hand-in-hand with the post I put up yesterday about men loving bitches. Again, people want what they can’t have. They want a challenge. Do I agree? No. I’m too tired to play games, but in general, that’s the way it goes. So regardless if the guy is a jerk or a nice guy, if it’s too easy, they might become uninterested. But at the same time, girls that act that way usually aren’t ready for a relationship, because if they were, they’d settle down. There’s also the possibility that they’re just not into you, not because you’re a nice guy, but there’s no attraction. I’ve met plenty of nice guys, guys who look good on paper, guys that have their shit together–but there’s just no chemistry. I can’t deal.

Another possible explanation is their dating record. Some of us have dated really huge assholes that have fucked us up and torn our self esteem to the core. So when a nice guy comes along, we almost don’t know how to handle it because that’s not what we’re used to. Maybe they feel undeserving of a good man. Maybe being with someone that they’d actually be afraid of losing freaks them out.

There’s no black or white answer to this, but I would hope this doesn’t make you want to turn into a jerk. Keep being the good guy and a good girl will come by and appreciate it more than you know. Trust me.

“Hi Bruna! Let me first say I recently came across your blog and I’m obsessed. Yesterday I read ‘Independence & Intimidation’ I absolutely loved the story…..and I feel like this story is soooooo me. Whenever I go out on dates or rather first dates I’m always asked so what do you do? And when I answer them I feel like every single man is turned off……..(By the way I work for two professional sports teams & I’m a full time student) I feel like as soon as they hear exactly what I do they’re turned off at my drive & ambition……Is there anyway I can word what I do without turning off these potential significant others?”

Hi! Thank you so much! Glad you’re obsessedI’m happy you could relate, and I’m sure many others can relate as well, unfortunately. With that said, what do you mean “any way I can word what I do without turning off these potential significant others”?! If they do become turned off, fuck ‘em. You’ve worked hard to get to where you are, and judging by the fact that you’re a full-time student, it’s probably just the beginning of your success. Be proud of that. Show it off! You should never have to tip-toe your achievements around a man. A true gentleman would not only admire you for being driven and ambitious, but it should make him want you that much more. If the guys you’re meeting and going on dates with aren’t responding in that way, it’s not you…it’s them.

I’m not saying you should flaunt what you do and go around bragging about your career. Sometimes when guys ask me what I do, I give a very vague answer, not because I’m ashamed (not in the least!) but because I don’t know what they’re after. Are they going to use me for their own benefit? Are there hidden motives? It takes time to feel them out, and sooner or later you realize who’s being genuine and who’s not.

If you’re on a date and a guy asks you what you do, be honest. If he reacts like a weenie, on to the next. A strong woman needs a strong man by her side. If he can’t hang, don’t waste your time.

“I want your point on why women should settle for someone who loves them more then they do”

First off, I don’t think women should settle, period. I would like to think that I’ll end up with a man who loves me just as much as I love him. But this theory isn’t unheard of.

In fact, Rihanna talked about this during her last interview with Oprah. When discussing what her late Gran Gran Dolly imparted on her, Ri-Ri said, “And the one thing she wants me to do is marry someone who loves me more than I love them…because a woman will always give. They’ll always give even more than they need to. We’re selfless beings, it’s maternal. Even with a husband, she said, ‘It’ll be that way with them as well, and they’ll only meet you halfway. If they love you a little more.’”

And, well, that makes sense. If you end up with a guy that just loves you dearly, you love him for that, and in turn, you care for him. But again, I don’t necessarily feel like it has to be that way. Or at least I hope.

Remember, if you want to discuss something going on in your love life, email me at bruna@theproblemwithdating.com

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