That’s What She Said: Changing Your Facebook Relationship Status, Getting Closure and Dating with Disabilities

“Great blog! Thank you for making me feel like I’m not the only one going through these dating problems.

My question is… how soon should you change your status on FB once you have a boyfriend? And, should I mention it to him? Do I tag him in it?”

Well, thank you! I appreciate your support! Now to your issue–Facebook, isn’t it lovely? (Please note the sarcasm there.) These days, any slight move on social media websites can trigger a huge fight or problem with whoever it is you’re dating. In this case, there’s an easy way to go about it.

First off, make sure you two have had the talk. Sometimes I hear of couples that don’t ever really discuss what they are and just kind of go with it, but I’d advise otherwise. That can get real messy real fast. Talk about where you two stand, if you’re exclusive and if there’s a title there. After the conversation, I’d wait about a week before changing your relationship status on Facebook–just to be safe.

As far as tagging, that’s tricky. It would be awesome if he just did all of this himself so you wouldn’t have to worry, but sometimes that’s not the case. If he was all about being exclusive, he shouldn’t mind being tagged. If he was hesitant, then he might feel uncomfortable. With all that said, if he does get all weird about you tagging him, that’s a red flag. What’s the issue? He should be thrilled to show off that you’re his lady.

“I have this crazy need to always want closure from a relationship. Regardless of how bad the break-up or relationship itself even was, it’s inevitable that I need some sort of convo to clear the air.

So here’s where I need you to come in. I need advice on how to deal with this empty feeling. You see, I went through a very bad/traumatic break-up.  Unfortunately, it took me a couple of years to finally open up again & luckily it was to the kind-hearted/handsome Latino whom knew what he wanted both professionally & socially; which I must point out, is hard to come by in a man now-a-days. We spent a lot of time together, almost to the point where I began to think he might be ‘The One.’ To make it a long story short, the problem rose when he told me he had to move up north to finish school, then just kind of left me hanging by a thread. A few months later, I confronted him about how cowardly he went about leaving & not officially cutting it off with me  before he did.

It’s been almost 2 years, though I have accepted that he just isn’t ‘The One,’ I still don’t feel that I have had the closure I need from our situation. What kind of advice can you give me?”

Stupid closure, it makes things so much more complicated, and I know this because I’m the same way. It’s normal to want to have that conversation so you can tie up any loose ends and move forward without leaving any unfinished business, but unfortunately, closure is a gift not a right. Not everyone gets closure and you need to be able to pull yourself up and accept it in order to move on. Is it easy? Hell no. Is it necessary? Yes, because the minute you start depending on someone else to give you the satisfaction you need to live a healthy life, you’re doomed. You need to be able to do that all on your own. “Accept the apology you never received.” You said what you needed to say, right? What can he say to really change anything? He moved for school, not for some unknown reason that leaves you wondering why he wouldn’t pursue anything with you. He already told you why. And maybe he is ‘the one,’ but timing is so tricky at this age because we’re still becoming the people we’re destined to be, and that involved a lot of time spent figuring ourselves out, going to school, getting different jobs, etc. It’s tough to have someone close to you during this time because you’re constantly changing.

I wish I could tell you what you need to hear to ease your heavy heart, but I can’t, and I can’t find this guy and use my intimidation skills to make him give you closure because, well, that’s just weird. But I can tell you that with time, everything unfolds. Either you’ll learn to move on without having to hear what he has to say, or he’ll offer it up when he’s ready. Regardless, what’s meant to happen will happen, so there’s no need to waste time worrying about it because life’s too short for shit like this.

“I’m curious to see what your readers have to say regarding their preference on why they choose to or not choose to date a person that has a physical disability and is in a wheelchair… As a person with a disability and in a wheelchair, I find this to be quite common .. Primarily with those who were born with a disability as supposed to someone who experienced an injury and as a result is now in a wheelchair.”

This is a tough one. It’s different for every person. I did some research on this because it’s a touchy subject, and it looks like a lot of people wonder exactly what you’re wondering, and the answers vary.

However, one common thing I found in most responses is that it depends on the amount of care you would have to give that person that matters. Since you specified it as a physical disability and being in a wheelchair, it seems like more people would be willing, but it still causes some hesitation. Why? There’s no definite answer.

I can only be honest with you, and I hope it doesn’t come off insensitive, but I’m sure a variety of questions come to mind. Can I handle being with a disabled person? Am I willing to put in the extra effort to help this person get around every time we’re together? And talking sexually, some people might wonder what that would even be like…does it work? Do you have sex just like everyone else? Are there positions you need to stay away from so you don’t hurt the person?

Just throwing out whatever comes to mind…

I believe if you love someone you’d be more than willing to do anything and everything for them, disabled or not. It’s just giving that person a chance from the get-go that needs to happen, and when the right person comes along, it will, and you’ll know it’s genuine.

As far as the differences in how the disability came about, lots of things come into play. Did this person become disabled during your relationship? If so, you probably feel like it’s your duty to be there and take care of them. I think that a disability occurring from some sort of tragic accident makes the other person feel guilty, and that’s why it doesn’t bother them as much–if that makes any sense–because if they left, they’d feel like a horrible human being. They see it like, ‘Well, it was out of that person’s control, so they shouldn’t be punished for it.’

Should people born with a disability be punished for it? Of course not, but I don’t know if people necessarily give them as much credit as they would, for example, someone who got injured at war. Yeah, it sucks and I hope I’m wrong, but that’s just what I’ve noticed.

The main point is you shouldn’t let your disability hinder you from dating. Yes, some people will turn away, and if they do–cool. You don’t want to be with someone who isn’t ready for that anyway. But someone will not look at you and only see your wheelchair, they’ll see you, and that’s the one you want by your side.

Remember, if you want to discuss something going on in your love life, email me at bruna@theproblemwithdating.com

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