Warning: This is another one of those vent posts. Just had a lot going on in my head lately.
Last night I found myself wide awake into the wee hours of the morning, just thinking. Ugh, I hate that shit.
It’s no surprise that I often analyze every bit of everything, because apparently I like to drive myself crazy, but this time it was different. I wasn’t picking my brain apart in an attempt to figure out why a guy doesn’t like me or is/isn’t doing certain things–it was all about the struggle of being a woman.
We’ve heard it all before (and I know this may seem out of the blue for this blog, but it directly correlates to dating).
There’s the physical aspect, where women become so submerged into the thought of the “ideal” female body that they begin having self-image issues and go on crazy diets–or what have you–to obtain it. And let me tell you, this is one sneaky little devil. You may feel like you would never change the way you look to please society, but it happens. As much as we’d all appreciate hangin’ in sweats and eating carbs all day, that’s not what we do.
Regardless, body image isn’t the one that gets me. It’s the way we, as women, are supposed (expected) to act.
Sometimes I wonder if I lack the ladylike gene. I’m not saying I’m rude and obnoxious (at least I hope not!), but I’m very outspoken, blunt, honest, independent…I have a strong personality. And for the most part, I love that I’m like that.
Until it comes to dating.
What the hell are you guys (literally, guys) looking for? That’s what I don’t understand.
You say you want a strong and confident woman, but when we’re strong and confident we come off as cocky and full of ourselves. But if we’re quiet and shy, then we’re prude and passive. Figure your shit out.
I know the politically correct answer here is “Be yourself.” But who is really, completely themselves when first meeting someone? Even if you think you are, you’re not. There’s always some quirky tendency or piece of information that you tell yourself, “Hm, better not bring that out on the first date.”
It’s just exhausting.
I want to be completely me when I meet someone and I don’t want to care whether or not they like who I am when I am myself (but of course I do care). I don’t want to feel like my past has changed who I am, unless it’s for the better, but sometimes I think it has.
It’s no secret that I’ve gone through my shit when it comes to dating and relationships–that’s what this blog’s all about. But has it made me a cold person? Have I become so guarded that I come off frigid? I wonder about that.
You can have your heart broken time and time again, but each time hurts just as much as the last, so of course you’re guarded. I’ve built up a wall. When it comes to one-on-one relationships, I can be distant. I don’t know if I like that, but isn’t it better to be safe than sorry?
(Sorry if I’m rambling and not making sense, just kinda typing whatever comes to me.)
They say the right person will work toward breaking down that wall little by little. I hope that’s true.
I know I give off a certain persona on the Internet (Facebook, Instagram, maybe even this blog), that I’m this big-bad tough, cocky chick that scoffs at the thought of some man breaking me down. But the truth is, I’m already broken. Not completely, but I have my cracks and I’m working to rebuild them, and sometimes I feel like giving off this super-confident, sassy attitude will help me believe that I can put myself back together. Even if it doesn’t, maybe it’ll help you put yourself back together. And that’s why I do this.
Do I truly believe I’m a good person with a lot to offer? I do. But even then, I wonder if I’m enough. Me, with all of my flaws and shortcomings and insecurities, am I good enough?
I have a good heart. A strong heart, despite feeling weak sometimes, and for the right man–the man who takes the time to see that–that’s enough.