Possible Love vs. Just Crushing Hard: Why My Heart Scares the Shit Outta Me

Hi friends,

First of all, I want to apologize for lagging on new posts. My access to a computer has been limited in the past month because of some unfortunate events, but I’m here, I’m ready and I’m back! For now… lol

I’ll admit this post will probably be more so a therapeutic outlet for myself (even though I relate to many of the things I write, obviously) because I’ve been a little low on inspiration lately, but then I realized that there’s one thing I’ve been trying to fix about myself that maybe others can relate to. So here I am–baring my soul and writing about it.

Among other things–yeah, I’m not perfect–one of my problems with dating is the inability to know whether my feelings for this other person are those of a new love forming or just me crushing hard on someone. And by the time I figure it out, a lot of time/tears/emotion/frustration/WTFs/stomach aches/feeling-like-shit-moments have passed. Why? Because I get attached too fast and too hard. Like I’ve said before, I’m very black or white, all or nothing, go big or go home. I found a quote that I posted on the page’s Instagram (@problemwithdating) that I swear felt like it was written to me. All it was missing was a “Dear Bruna” in the beginning. And it seemed like a lot of other people could relate to it, too. It went a little something like this…

“You know what your problem is? You get attached, fast. And once you’re attached to someone, you do everything you can to please them and make them happy. It’s never been about what you want, it’s always everyone’s needs before your own. You give out too many chances to people, who quite frankly do not deserve them. They take advantage of you, and you become a pushover. But you’re okay with that, because they’re in your life and that’s all you ever really wanted. And even if they screw you over, you’ll still be there for them. Because that’s you, that’s who you are. Once you get attached to someone, they capture your heart and they always have a place there. And that is why it’s so hard for you to let that person go.”

Can I get an AMEN? Thank you.

That has me written all over that uber-amazing Pinterest quote, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard my friends tell me those exact lines, “You know what your problem is? You get attached, fast.” Yes, that is my problem. Do you know how to fix it? No? OK, cool.

But let’s get something straight here–I don’t get attached to someone who I know is uninterested. So if I’m getting attached, it’s because you’ve already been putting in the work to tell me you like me and want to get the wheels turning. But all of a sudden, the second I start reciprocating those feelings, things take a turn. And what am I left with? My heart being played right and left by someone who suddenly doesn’t want anything anymore and just wants to be friends because I’m so awesome but not awesome enough to date. Well, sir, you’re putting me in a difficult pickle and I don’t like pickles (unless they’re those juicy ones from Six Flags. I don’t know what it is, but those are just so tasty).

Since my emotions and my heart are already invested, I can’t just turn away and abandon someone. Actually, that’s a lie. I can, but I choose not to. And being friends with someone, not acquaintances, but friends, I take seriously. My friendships take the place of my family who all live thousands and thousands of miles away, so I treat people who are my friends like family. I will be there, I will call you out on your bullshit and I will pick you up when you’ve fallen down, but doing that with a guy that I have feelings for is just so much harder.

So then I ask myself–Is it even possible? Can I be friends with this person who I have feelings for and have been intimate with? (Hint: True or False coming up this week).

And then, this is when my heart does this thing that scares the shit outta me…

At some point, after all of that time/tears/emotion/frustration/WTFs/stomach aches/feeling-like-shit-moments that I mentioned have come and gone, after feeling like maybe I’m falling in love with this person, after picturing what being with them would be like, after making excuses for their behavior and waiting on them hand and foot because that’s what I do when I care–it just goes away.

All of those romantic feelings–gone.

Another great quote that coincides with this…

“Sometimes I’m terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts,” –Edgar Allan Poe

Am I glad those feelings went away? Yes, because it was just causing me pain, and the second they go away is usually when the guy comes back around and is suddenly interested again (Pft). But when looking at the bigger picture–this scares me.

How will I know? In future relationships, how can I determine that it’s just a crush that will fade and therefore know not to become so vulnerable and invested versus knowing that this is the real deal?

I think I’ve found possible hints that I should become aware of to help me decipher what the situation really is, which I’ll go into in another post, but even then…will I acknowledge them or will I continue putting my heart through this start-and-stop craziness? I can’t answer that.

They say when you know, you know. 

And for the sake of my sanity and my overindulging heart, I hope that’s true.

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