My Name Is Bruna, and I Am Deeply Flawed

Before I start this post, I should mention that it’s not going to be like other posts, in the sense that I won’t be covering a certain topic that could be considered a problem with dating. Instead, this is purely a vent session for me. Yes, I’m going to be selfish right now.

Writing is my best form of expression. It helps me clear my head and at times, clarifies things in a way nothing else can. Regardless, feel free to read (after all, I’m posting it) and give me your two cents if you’d like. We’re in this together, right?

When I started this blog, I made it clear that I’m no expert in dating..far from it. I don’t have a degree or anything legit to tell you what to do in a given situation or with your dating life. I’m just a girl. I’m a young female who has gone through heartbreak more times than she can count, broken hearts without meaning to, fallen for the wrong guys, pushed away the right guys–you name it.

With that said, the purpose of this vent is to lay it all out there. My flaws. My thought process. My past. My unanswered questions. Hopefully it can help me grow into a better person. Plus, therapy’s expensive so this is a better alternative.

Nobody’s perfect. We all know that. But when we face our imperfections, when we acknowledge our shortcomings, how do we go about fixing them?

I faced my first heartbreak at around 13 years old. Yes, I was young, yes I was in a relationship, but that’s not what I’m talking about. In 7th grade, my parents decided to get a divorce. Society doesn’t even place much emphasis on the word today because it’s so common (which is sad), but regardless of how much it happens, going through it is one of the worst things you can experience. Especially as an only child.

It had to happen. My parent’s marriage was no longer working, they were unhappy, they did what they had to do and I’ll never blame them for that. But it took a toll on me, the way I viewed relationships and marriage. It scared me. You can be so in love with someone, build a family with someone, raise children with someone, and then suddenly, it’s over.

I always said that I would never go through a divorce again. One time was more than enough. But having that mentality has made dating that much more difficult.

I’m not sure what causes me to choose the guys I choose. Well, I kinda do. But even when I tell myself why I do these things, nothing changes. Why? That’s what I don’t understand.

At the same time I was dealing with the ordeal of living in two separate households, packing a suitcase every weekend and having to abide by court orders, I was dating my first longterm boyfriend. And I use the term “boyfriend” loosely. He was nothing what a boyfriend should be, and although I told myself that I’d forgiven him for everything he’d done to me, I’m not sure that’s true.

On top of my parent’s situation, I was going through the awkward teen phase when everything is confusing and difficult–add a total douchebag that for some reason I was so head over heels for to really fuck shit up. This guy was really something. He told me what to wear, what not to wear, how to do my makeup and hair but yet remind me that I’m not as pretty as other girls and repeatedly shove my self esteem to the ground. I was so young and naive, I let him.

And, he was a huge cheater. He never wanted to see me, always hung out with other girls instead, and come Monday morning, I’d hear all the dirty details before fifth period.

I’m angry that 10 years later something like that affects me. Am I more confident now? Yes, but I have my moments. Did I realize he was just a fucking asshole that tried to make himself feel better? Yes. But the root of the problem remains.

Every guy after that wasn’t much different. Granted, not all of them were cheaters, but there was always something. I was never a top priority. I was always competing for attention from my boyfriend, either from another girl, drugs or alcohol. That’s not the way it should be.

At my age, I do a lot of deep reflection. Relationships aren’t just to have a date to prom anymore, it’s to potentially get married (which freaks me out because I feel like I have to pick the perfect person since divorce is not an option). So I really try to figure out what it is I’m doing wrong. And I am doing something wrong. The common denominator in all of those relationships is me. So how can I not think I have something to do with this? I choose them. I date them. I invest time and energy and emotion into them.

And then I came up with a possible explanation for why I do what I do…

The more you have, the more you have to lose.

I purposely dated guys that were “not on my level” because I knew that if (when) shit hit the fan, I’d find better and it’d be their loss. Stupid, I know, but it’s the truth. So I’m afraid of dating someone with potential or is “on my level” or higher, because how could I ever deal with the possibility of losing them? I shouldn’t think that way but I do.

I’m not used to feeling worthy in a relationship, so I push people away because I assume that at one point they’re going to either fuck me over or just be done with it for whatever reason. Leave before you get left, right?

Told you…I’m fucked up. I know all this, too, but I don’t do anything to fix it. I tell myself when the next good guy comes along, I’m going to go with the flow and allow myself to enjoy it, but I don’t. I look for reasons to justify that he’s going to ultimately be like every other guy and blow up. It’s not pretty. It’s embarrassing. I’m selling myself short.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

So what do I do? A part of me feels like the right guy won’t bring that side out in me, or do things to prove that I shouldn’t feel that way. But how many times can someone reassure their feelings toward you before it becomes too draining and they stop caring?

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I pray I find some clarity. It would be a shame to live this life alone because of my own flaws and insecurities. I can be strong for anyone who needs it from me, but I need to learn to be strong for myself, understand that I deserve to be happy, too and that a man would want to give that to me without a hidden agenda. Sigh, so much easier said than done.

Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite. Writing this blog, telling you guys dating advice and what you should do, when I don’t even follow my own advice. Do as I say, not as I do, I guess. I hope you guys don’t think I’ve failed you. A lot of times this blog helps me more than anyone else. It reminds me that it’s OK to feel the way I feel sometimes, that I’m not the only one going through a certain situation. And I feel like you guys get that also, and that makes me happy. Everyone goes about their daily life with different goals, different aspirations, different ideas of what happiness means to them…but one thing we all have in common is the need to be loved.

If you’re still reading this, I commend you. And I apologize for rambling and probably not making much sense. But if you take anything away from this, understand that the next person you interact with could be facing their own inner demons. That they may struggle with things they never show to the outside world in fear of being judged or simply because they don’t know how to face them.

Be patient, be kind, be understanding, and know that sometimes the pain you cause someone, whether intentionally or not, can stick with them for a very long time, even after you’re gone.

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