Depression can be a tricky subject to tackle, and I’m not so sure I’ve ever really talked about it openly with you guys. It’s something I’ve struggled with for a very long time, however, through my pacing, my writing, my yoga, my moments of solitude and peace, I thought that maybe those spontaneous low moments were a thing of the past.
I was wrong.
It reared its ugly head at me last week and it was like getting a knock on the door from that one “friend” that you never really want to see, and against your better judgment, you let them in. Then shit ensues.
I felt like a different person. I was tired constantly, regardless of barely getting out of bed most days. I couldn’t bring myself to do the simplest things, because I was too lethargic. I felt like there was a boulder in my chest, and that made it hard to breathe. The anxiety was at an all-time high. And the worst part of it all–nothing happened to make me feel this way.
I wish I could’ve pointed the finger at something, anything–retrograde (which I still don’t completely understand to be honest) or maybe PMS. But I knew what this was, and I knew that I was about to start drowning in a downward spiral with nothing to latch on to, because I couldn’t truly blame anything for my change of mood. So I just let myself fall. I didn’t write. I didn’t post new content on the website. I didn’t go to yoga. I did pace. I paced for hourssssss at a time, and most of it was just me crying to some Alicia Keys.
But the biggest weapon used against me during this time is my mind.
I have a beautiful mind that can fathom, create, comprehend and empathize in a way that truly fascinates me, and others who are able to experience it. But like most things, that beauty also comes with a dark side, and just as constructive as my mind can be, it can also be very destructive. When moments of depression hit, my mind goes on overdrive, which is insane since it’s already usually working overtime. I questioned everything. I turned assumptions into conclusions to scenarios that weren’t even a reality. The self-doubt was at an all-time high, and I didn’t even care to fight it.
The dichotomy of who I am as a human being is so interesting to me. I’m so sociable, I love sparking conversations with strangers, I’m easy to get along with and I can probably make you laugh the entire time we hang out. Yet, in moments like these, it’s also very easy for me to completely shut down and disappear. I go dark, I get off the grid, I don’t respond to calls or texts, I don’t care to go out (but when I do, chances are you wouldn’t even know something is wrong, because I become an actress). I just feed into the sadness that starts to overwhelm me.
My good friends who’ve experienced this roller coaster with me in the past are well aware of my tendencies, and they do their best to help me get out of it, bless their hearts. Even when I try to bail on plans so that I can just sit in my living room and stare at the wall for hours while my mind goes on a rampage, they refuse to allow me to do so. I just hate wearing a mask, and they know that. I don’t want to pretend that I’m fine if I’m not fine. But they don’t require me to. They just let me feel what I’m feeling, without having to feel it alone. That’s love.
I’m not even sure why I felt compelled to write this. I guess I just wanted to illustrate that everyone has their moments, even those who seem to have nothing to be sad about. It happens. I started to beat myself up for allowing the depression to take such a hold on me, but I also needed to give myself credit. I could have been destructive in many other ways, but I chose not to. I could have gone down the rabbit hole much deeper than I did, but I chose not to. I could have let a few bad days convince me that I have a bad life, but I chose not to.
I was aware, and I think that’s key. I was aware that this happens sometimes. I was aware that it wouldn’t last forever. I was aware that my thought process during those moments were clouded, so I was careful with my tongue to not speak permanent words based on temporary emotion. And I was aware that even at my worst, I am still someone who deserves love, peace and happiness. I just had to ride the wave to get back on the other side.
I’m better now. Today, I feel more like Bruna. I can’t guarantee that those dark moments won’t make a surprise visit again, but I can guarantee that I’ll make my way to the light again.