Guest blog from Brandon G. Alexander, the creator of New Age Gents.
At 27, I can say I’ve dated my share of women. Some tall, some short, some skinny, some thick, some very successful at what they do and some just figuring out life one day at a time. But earlier in my 20’s, somehow I got thrown off track. I stopped seeing women through eyes of appreciation and value. This period of my life was filled with one-night stands, hooking up and a lack of commitment on my end. In some instances, women would become emotionally involved to the point of asking, “What are we,” and I would reply “We’re just having fun.” Most men would call this their glory days. I call them my growing days.
The transition from GROWN BOY to MAN or GENTLEMAN, wasn’t an easy one. It took some self-evaluation on my end and I had to recondition the way I looked at women. I lived in LA for most of my 20s, surrounded by beautiful women at every turn. During this period in my life, if you were beautiful, I wanted you, and I knew I could have you. I started sleeping with the kind of women that other men wished they could be with, without any commitment on my end. I was so confident and believed I could have you if I wanted you, that I tried to sleep with a lesbian and we ended up hooking up for several months. And you would think I was the happiest man in the world, right? Wrong. There was an unsettled feeling inside of me every time I rolled out of bed or ignored a text message for weeks, only to reach out when I was ready.
I’m not saying all this to brag. I’m saying this because there’s someone out there who’s not happy with the choices they’re making. There’s someone out there that thinks they’re happy living this kind of lifestyle, but deep down inside, no matter how handsome or successful he is, no matter how beautiful and how good she is in bed, you know you’re not happy. You know there’s more to life and love than this. You’re just settling for good because it’s easy. You settle for what you know because it doesn’t force you to grow and change. But one day, you’ll wake up and you’ll be tired of it.
Here are the 4 steps I took that changed the way I saw women forever:
1. KNOW WHO YOU ARE
Here’s the truth–the emptiness I was feeling was not a reflection of the women I was seeing. It was a reflection of my own inability to get whole as person. I knew I had to get clear on who I was as a man and what I wanted in life. When I was unclear about what I wanted out of life, I would just accept anything from anyone. So the first step before I could look at women with eyes of love and value, I had to let go of the shame and guilt of my past. That’s first an foremost. I had to get real with myself, so I could be real with someone else. When I decided to be loving, caring, kind and open, that’s the kind of women I started attracting into my life. Their bodies weren’t the focal point anymore, their character and personality is what made them attractive.
2. VALUE AND RESPECT HER
I noticed that I had misplaced women’s value by the the way I was treating them.
The women I would find myself with produced surface-level relationships. I was overlooking any potential value she possessed as an individual and solely focused on the value I placed on her looks. This became my value system and that was determined by how much time I would spend with them outside of hooking up, and how quickly I would respond to their text. As I peeled away my ego and superficial desires, I realized there’s so much more to a woman than her breasts, thighs and what’s between them. She has a heart. She has a heart that needs to be valued and appreciated, and emotions that matter. She has time that shouldn’t be wasted on someone that’s not willing to commit to her.
3. IT’S BETTER TO BE ALONE
One of the hardest lessons I learned was how to be alone. A woman’s emotions, energy and time are just as important as yours. You wouldn’t want someone wasting your time, so why waste her’s? It was so easy for me at times to just pick up the phone and have someone keep me company whenever I was bored. Then I realized it’s unfair to to keep her around just because I needed a distraction. It’s selfish. I stopped allowing women to invest in me what I myself wasn’t willing to invest in her.
4. THE COMPANY YOU KEEP
Without this last step, I wouldn’t have been able to completely change the way I see women today. I let go of my “boys” and surrounded myself with some men. Men that valued their girlfriends and wives. Men that didn’t remind me of the old me every time I saw them, but challenged me to plan for the future. I got to see firsthand how a man should treat a woman. The company you keep determines the conversations you have and the thoughts you’ll form. If those conversations I was having were about who I slept with or who I could get, then I would have never changed and been able to see women with a new set of eyes.