Ladies, It’s Not a Competition

I’m just gonna jump right into it, because that’s how I roll–Some of y’all are doing too much.

And when I say that, I’m specifically talking to the women who go out of their way to prove to each and every single ovary in the room (and beyond) that the man they’re hooking up with is a man they’re hooking up with.

You’re doing too much, and it’s not cute. But, I get it.

Women are constantly taught, either subconsciously or consciously, to believe that other women are their competition on multiple levels, but especially when it comes to vying for a man’s love.

As Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie so beautifully reminded us, “We raise girls to see each other as competitors. Not for jobs or for accomplishments. Which I think can be a good thing. But for the attention of men…”

We see it on TV. We hear it in music. We read about it. We live it. But, why?

Ever since I could remember, girls just didn’t like me very much–at least, not from the jump. For whatever reason, I was always looked at as the girl who might try to steal your man. (For the record: I have no desire to become the female version of Trey Songz.)

However, once a girl got to know me, she loved me. And why wouldn’t she? I’m dope. But that’s not what she sees when she first looks at me.

She sees someone who could potentially catch her man’s eye. She sees someone who might make him happier than she does. She sees someone who might take him away from her.

She sees competition.

I know this because I’ve been on both sides. I’ve been the woman catching side-eye from a man’s girl, and I’ve been the woman sizing up a girl coming near my man.

But here’s the thing–every time this concept is discussed, the idea of becoming jealous and territorial when greeted with other women, we start making the man accountable for our actions instead of ourselves.

You’re told things like…you shouldn’t have to fight for his attention, the right man will only have eyes for you, so on and so forth. And, don’t get me wrong, all of those things are true.

But let’s turn the focus inward for a second.

Think about where that trigger of switching on your competitive nature comes from. Really think about it. Chances are it has nothing to do with other women. It probably has nothing to do with your man, either.

But it has everything to do with you, because that desire to “claim your territory” stems from your insecurities.

A champion who is confident in themselves never breaks a sweat over another person who practices the same craft, because they already know what they bring to the table.

There will always be somebody smarter than you, somebody prettier than you, somebody richer than you, funnier than you or sexier than you…but here’s where they fall short–they’re not you.

You are one of one. There is no one like you, and until you start believing that, you will fail to recognize that feeling competitive over anybody’s attention is not a natural response to ordinary behavior concerning love, but actually a reflection of your own insecurities.

Sure, there are different circumstances that might bring that possessive part of you out to play: Your man has a wandering eye. There was a cheating past. Some women don’t respect boundaries…

Here’s the thing–

If he has a wandering eye, you should wander to another man who doesn’t care to look away, because he loves what he sees when he’s looking at you.

If there was a cheating past and you’re still together, you need to either work through it and leave what happened behind you, or accept the fact that there is no trust within your relationship anymore and move on.

And, sadly, the world is full of women who disrespect boundaries (I’m not going to say “hoes,” even though we’re all thinking it). Regardless, you shouldn’t have to supervise your man. He’s an adult, and he should know how to let a woman know to keep it moving because there’s nothing there for her.

(Side note: Can we, as women, stop doing that shit, please? Respect a man who has someone in his life. I don’t care if he’s hitting you up and acting all kinds of interested, you’re an adult. Act like one. And don’t be blinded by the bullshit. You’ll probably never be his main chick and you’re selling yourself short by continuing to be a side-piece. Plus, why would you do that to another woman? Stop. You’re part of the problem.)

Understand that gaining affection should not be a competition. Understand that there’s room for all of us to find something and someone worth having. Understand that a man’s love should come to you, and only you, wholeheartedly and completely, without the intent of pitting you against other women.

Understand that at the end of the day, ladies, we’re on the same side.

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