Don’t Treat Me Like Your Girlfriend If You Don’t Want a Girlfriend

I recently posted something on Instagram that a lot of you related to.

It said the following:

“Dating in 2015: Let’s be friends, just friends. I’m not ready for a relationship but I expect you to do things with me considered inappropriate in terms of a friendship. We’re not together, you can’t claim me, you can’t be with anyone but me. I need you to be loyal but I’ll do what I want and when you get mad, I’ll just tell you we’re not together. If you catch feelings, I’ll become distant. You knew what this was…I told you, I’m not ready for a relationship.”

We all relate to it because we’ve experienced it, and that’s sad.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve been in that predicament. I meet a guy, he tells me he doesn’t want anything serious right now, I begrudgingly agree and, understandably so, proceed with my guard up. But over time, his actions differ from his words. We pretty much act like a couple and you almost completely forget that initial conversation. So, I start to think maybe he changed his mind? But the second it starts catching up to us (him) that we’re practically in a relationship–boom. He suddenly gets “busy.”

You know me, I don’t waste two seconds to call people out on their shit. And the response is always the same, “I told you from the beginning I don’t want a relationship.”

OH REALLY? THAT’S INTERESTING.

Let me break this down for you guys who think that this little disclaimer you share is a Get Out of a Relationship Free Card.

If you say you’re not ready for a relationship, then don’t act like you’re in one. And more importantly, don’t get surprised when we throw caution to the wind and think your words were full of it.

Yes, it’s true. Sometimes we don’t take the whole “I don’t want anything serious right now” line seriously, because everyone says it. And you know why they say it? Yeah, sometimes because it’s the truth, but most of the time it’s because they’re afraid of commitment and don’t want to cut ties with the single life, so they try to have their cake and eat it, too. Sorry, bud, life doesn’t work that way.

If you truly don’t want anything serious, then don’t lead a girl on by making her feel special (yeah, you read that right) and don’t make her feel like your girlfriend, because she can give two you-know-whats about what you said. She’s focusing on what you do. And if what you’re doing is making her feel like you’re in a relationship, then how can you blame her for thinking that way? That’s your bad.

You can’t play with someone’s heart and emotions and then back up when things get too real. That’s some selfishness right there. Telling her “Oh well I told you this and that” isn’t going to magically make you any less liable for what went down.

But ladies, you’re not blame-free in this situation, either. Yeah, guys tend to flip-flop with the whole situation, but it takes two to tango. If he says he doesn’t want anything, then you gotta take his words seriously. You can’t hope he’s gonna change. You can’t hope you’re different. You can’t make excuses for his words and then get mad when it turns out, he meant it. And when you find out he means it, and that’s not what you want, walk away. I know, I’ve been there, too.

So this is what you do…

You’re an adult. Treat your relationships as such. If you meet someone and you’re not sure what you want yet, say that.

“I’m not sure what I want just yet, to be honest. I’m just seeing where things go.”

If at some point, you realize you don’t see yourself with this person, say that.

“I’m sorry, but this isn’t working out for me.” (Yeah, it’s ugly. Yeah, it’s uncomfortable, but guess what, IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.)

And, now this is the big one, if you start finding yourself constantly hanging out with this person, calling them, talking to them, acting like you’re a couple without the title–face the freakin’ facts.

YOU WANT TO BE WITH THEM.

Having your heart broken is terrifying. Finding someone you start to really care about is terrifying. But it’s also a beautiful thing…if you give it the chance.

When I tell people the name of my blog, 99% of the time their first response is, “So what is the problem with dating?”

And my answer is always the same: “I think there are a lot of problems with dating today, but one of the biggest is options. People are so distracted by all the potential options out there, that they’re afraid to invest in one person.”

Guess what? Tip-toeing into a faux relationship with someone where you’re constantly half in and half out is the easiest way to miss out on what could potentially be everything you never knew you needed.

So don’t be the problem. Be the solution.

5 Comments

  • Great one, and thank you for spelling all of that out! You are clearly touching a nerve with people as this I feel is pandemic. It’s not only a problem with dating it’s also a problem of common decency. I don’t appreciate someone creating the “atmosphere” of relationship then treat you like you are crazy for getting swept in. I haven’t personally fallen into this trap, (haven’t dated enough probably), but I did get a guy to flip on me with the game playing. I can play with “atmosphere” too. I will with the swiftness flip any situation into the friend territory. It’s unnerving to them when it happens, their eyes dart around like uh?? It corrects their behavior and I get to retain clear thinking.

  • Yup… I guess this one is for me. A friend of mine is always hitting me over my head with this one. I am that guy who treat you as good/nice/in a special way as if we were a couple. One reason, I can’t help what I am. It’s not my thing to abuse and treat you bad, even if you would allow it. 2nd reason, I can only do what you allow. See we men (or I’ll speak for me), enjoy taking you out, spending time with you, 1 if we’re first attracted to you and 2 if we like you/enjoy you. But no matter what that doesn’t mean we want more than what we have now. Please ladies, stop assuming that the actions means more or more than the words. Or vise versa…that the words you hear from a guy like me means more than the actions. I want you guys to start giving both our words and actions the same weight. If a man like myself wanted something more… as in being EXCLUSIVE, I will show you as well as tell you (action + words). Now I know everything I just said sounds crazy as hell, especially with a man showing you a good time but claiming he doesn’t want more. Please understand that just going out, hanging out, seeing each other, spending time when we’re both available are OUR (men) comfort zone. But we can only live in this comfort zone if you allow it to us. If this whole going out thing and not sure if more will come isn’t your thing, please PUT AN END TO IT and stop allowing men to always have their way. My friend keeps telling me that it is my job to stop it. Why would I stop something that I’m fine with? Men most times always get to have their way. My slogan… N Triple A Q A (N.A.A.A.Q.A.) Never Assume Anything, Ask Questions Always. Women needs to start asking questions, speaking up, and simply saying”No” to what they’re no longer fine with instead of assuming what things are or going. Women needs to start having their way and sticking to it.

  • Funny thing..what happens when he says “I’m not looking for a relationship/girlfriend right now”. You take that at face value and comply..Just friends. Things are pretty much back to where they were before you actually met each other. Just friends.. Then he gets pissed off that you are doing EXACTLY what he said he wanted. Then ghosts on you and then deletes you from social media without an explanation. Just Poof and he’s gone..

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