Oh, you think those paid online dating sites are more legit than the free ones? That’s cute.
I did, too, and that’s why I told my mom and stepdad a year ago that if I was still single six months later, I’d try Match (because if a guy is willing to pay for the dating site, then he’s serious…or so one would think).
Fast forward six months and surprise! I was still single. So one night, I gathered all of my dignity and actually spent hard-earned cash to find love. A part of me felt some type of (uneasy) way, but another part of me was like eh, fuck it. If worse comes to worst, I’ll get material for the blog.
And here we are.
Let me first begin by telling you, the person reading this who maybe thought that you should give one of these websites a shot because why-the-fuck-not, to save your money and spend it on something worthwhile–like comfort food. Because this shit was so bogus.
You spend all this time answering questions and putting in your preferences, thinking that the site will weed everyone out except for the man that you’ve molded through various checked boxes, but that’s not what happens. It’s still a freakin’ free-for-all, and your inbox gets bombarded with 115 messages a day from guys like Carl, a 70-year-old man in Utah who proudly tells you about his farm and promises to give you all the happiness in the world if you go on one date with him. Sorry Carl, I’m gonna have to pass.
Instead, I did my own custom search and ended up with a little over 100 men. However, after really taking a look at what was being presented to me, there were really two guys that I would consider going out with. TWO.
Guy No. 1 seemed promising from what his profile offered, and there was a little messaging back and forth, but, being the journalist that I am, I decided to take my research to social media…and what did I find? This guy has a girlfriend. Well! That’s the end of that. Good luck, buddy.
Guy No. 2, on the other hand, really piqued my interest. His profile was well thought-out and written (meaning his sentences were clear and complete, spelling was all on point and his grammar was impressive) and he was so handsome. I mean, what?! The only problem was this guy wasn’t active on the site for a long time, so I wasn’t sure what to do about that. Until…
I was creepin’ on his pictures, and the whole time I thought, “Man, this guy looks kinda familiar.” And then I came across one of his pics with his buddies, and whaddya know? I once went on a date with his roommate, LOL! Nothing ever happened with that guy, but during our first and last date (which happened about a year prior), he had shown me pictures of his friends while telling me a story, and I remember seeing this guy and thinking, “Um, can I have your friend, please?”
Crazy how things happen right? Of course, I took this as a sign from the Universe that I should totally be with this guy.
So, again, I took things over to social media, because this guy hadn’t been on Match in forever, so maybe he was in a relationship now? Why not find out? My photographic memory is a blessing and a curse, but in this case, I used it to find his roommate on Instagram so that I could find this guy and see what’s up. I found his roomie (who is now engaged…good for him) and then found this guy.
After scoping out his Insta, I didn’t see any sign of a girlfriend, so I gave the guy a few likes. Just a simple tap tap on a few pics (but not his shirtless pics because that’s obvious and obnoxious) and went to bed. I woke up the next morning with a couple likes from him, as well. Ooooh, there’s interest. So I hit him with a follow, he followed back, and just like that–there was contact.
Welcome to dating in the age of technology, ladies and gentleman.
Shortly after, we began messaging each other privately and he asked for my number. That turned into texting all day and getting to know each other, and I was impressed. He seemed sweet and mature and very eager to see me, asking me out to dinner and drinks the night we exchanged information. But, I politely declined and we instead made plans for the following weekend.
Leading up to our date, he kept in touch every single day, sparking conversation and asking me more about myself. I was digging it. I was getting excited. I was like fuck yeah, Match for the win! We decided on a place near my work since I work evenings and on that Friday, I found myself getting super nervous.
And then things slowly started going downhill…
1. The Textitude: An hour before we were supposed to meet, he texted me to tell me he might have to push it back because he wants to go to the gym. Um, no. You had all day to go to the fucking gym. This is our first date. I didn’t say any of that, of course, but he got the hint and decided otherwise, which was good. Then he said something along the lines of, “Yeah, well I better get up and start getting ready.” To which I responded, “Yeah, shuffle your buns” (because at this point we were supposed to meet in 30 minutes). And he had the nerve to tell me, “Remember that you picked a place that was 30 minutes away from me, so if you wanted me to be there at that time, then I would have had to leave already.” Excuse me?! Don’t act like I’m springing these plans on you out of thin air, dick. I should have just dropped it there and not even gone. But I brushed it off and we ended up meeting an hour later.
2. Crickets: He looked like his pictures, which was good. His voice was different than I pictured. Not bad, just different. But one of the worst dating scenarios happened–there was no conversation! I’m a super outgoing and talkative person, but when I feel like I have to pull talking points out of my ass, I’m over it, and that’s what was happening here. If I wasn’t asking questions or discussing something, there was no communication. So. Awkward.
3. Change of Scenery: Surprisingly, he asked me if I wanted to go to another bar with him. I thought, OK maybe this guy was just nervous and now he’s warming up to me. So, I agreed (plus, he wanted to go somewhere I’ve always wanted to go but never been, so I was game). As he drove us to the second bar, he made one huge mistake…
4. The Texting: First of all, he was texting while driving. Look, I know we all do it, and I do it from time to time, but it’s unsafe and you’re on a fucking date. Put your phone away! But the best part…seriously this is so good…the best part is that he was texting other girls. How do I know this? He fucking told me. LOL. This guy had no shame. So there I was, in the car with this guy who is driving us to another bar while texting with two girls who want to hang out with him. Yay.
5. Body Language: Guys, body language is huge. Right away I could tell this guy didn’t give a shit about me, because he entered the room first, and then strut through the bar like he was on some power-walking marathon race. I seriously had to jog to keep up with him. Hey, wait up! Remember me? I’m your date, asshole!
6. Taco Tussle: After a couple drinks and more awkward silences, he asked if I wanted to get some tacos from the truck outside. Tacos?! This night can have a happy ending, after all! I’m practically already out the door and ready to inhale some tortilla and carne asada, and as we walk down the street–my focus all on that truck–I glance next to me and notice he’s not there. WTF? I turn around, and this guy is talking shit to some drunk guy on the street and getting ready to throw down! I walk over there and just keep yelling, “It’s fine! It’s fine!” while pulling my date away because I WANT MY DAMN TACOS, MOTHERFUCKER. Apparently, drunk man was staring at him too long and that didn’t rub him the right way. Give me a fuckin’ break.
7. Down to the Nitty-Gritty: I got my tacos (praise Jesus) and we ate the food before he let me know what he was really thinking would happen at the end of the night–the no-pants dance. I’m not going to tell you how I know he wanted to sex me, because some things I’d rather keep to myself, but trust me when I say, he wanted to sex me. And that’s all he wanted. From day one, he just wanted to bone. Unfortunately, that was the furthest thing from my mind, so I didn’t give him the cookie, not even a little bit, and after that date, I never heard from him again.
I told my friends about this, and funny enough, I still made it seem not as bad as it was. Why did I do that? I guess I’ve been training my mind to see the positive in all situations for so long now that I’m unknowingly skating over shit that is not right.
This date was fucking horrible and this guy is ridiculous. He is practically the poster boy for First Date Don’ts, but you know what? If I had to give him credit for something, it’s that he let all of his red flags fly on the first night. I didn’t waste anymore of my time.
Plus, he gave me an embarrassing yet amazing dating story to share with all of you! And that’s always fun.