Dear Dating Diary,
It’s been over two years since I met him, but there’s still not a day when he doesn’t cross my mind. Just yesterday, I was sitting with a group of girls I don’t know too well, talking about guys and love and relationships, and suddenly, I was telling his story. And now I’m going to tell it again–the story of when I met who I thought (and sometimes still think) was my soul mate.
He’s been mentioned in posts before, but I’m not sure I’ve explained how it all happened.
One of my good girlfriends and I decided to go out one night to the local bars. We got dolled up, put on our heels and off we went. It was kind of dead out, surprisingly, but we went to our usual spots and were having a great time as always. After arriving at one of our regular go-to places, I scanned the room and caught a glimpse of the most beautiful man on the planet. I’m not over exaggerating. If I could mold the perfect man, it would be him. I quickly turned around, “OMG, do you see that?!” She couldn’t deny how dreamy he was, either.
We stay by the bar, order some drinks and try to take a selfie of us together on my old Blackberry (ugh, the struggle before a front-facing camera was real). We weren’t happy with any of the pics we were getting, and suddenly I hear someone behind us, “Do you want me to take the picture for you?” I turn around and its him. I instantly start sweating. I hand him my phone, ask if he worked there (he said yes) and got his name. He took the picture for us, and that was it.
My gf and I ended up going to a different bar for a bit, and after I digested some more liquid courage, I told her, “We have to go back. I have to go back and find out if he has a girlfriend.” She was like, “Are you serious?” I was already walking by that point. So we get back to the previous place, and I ask the door guy if I could talk to–let’s call him The Mr. Suddenly, he pops up from behind him and says, “Hey!”
I walk straight up to him, look him dead in the eye and say, “Hey, do you have a girlfriend?” He shakes his head. I continue, “Can I have your number?” He nods and smiles. Then we do some small talk, which honestly, I don’t remember much because I was tipsy and nervous. I do remember, though, that right after I left, he text me. And I liked that. And then he did lots of things I liked.
The next night I was back out on the town because a shindig in LA fell through. I see him again while out with my coworker and he seemed happy to see me. He was working, but he still came up–while two guys were talking to us–and asked me if I’d like to dance. I loved that. He didn’t get insecure or standoffish. He just marched up there. I abandoned the two guys and my friend (she was fine taking care of that situation) and we went to the dance floor. We were having a great time until he realized he had to get back to work, so we just stood there and he gave me a kiss on the cheek.
A little bit later, he met me back at the bar and asked if I’d wanna dance again. Um, are you kidding? Like I’d have to think about that one. So we go upstairs and dance. Again, we were enjoying ourselves, and then this girl comes up to us and says, “Let me dance with him, I’ll show him how its done.” My first thought: bitch. My second thought: what do I do?! He wasn’t my boyfriend that I could tell this girl to kick rocks, but I didn’t want to give him up. Luckily, I didn’t have to do anything. He looked at her and said, “I’m clearly dancing with somebody. No thanks.”
OMG, I’m in love. As if that wasn’t enough to make me weak in the knees, he continued to amaze me. When we were about to go down the stairs, I began walking like a baby calf because my heels hurt so much. He could clearly see my pain, so without any hesitation he turned and swooped me up honeymoon-style and carefully walked down the stairs with me in his arms. I was putty in his hands.
It was just all so strange. I felt like I knew this guy, like we were reconnecting from a past life, or whatever you wanna call it. Suddenly all those sayings that I’d question (“When you know, you know”) made so much sense. I instantly saw a future with this guy. I met him at the peak of my singledom and I would’ve dropped anyone and everyone to be with him. But before we get there…
We continued hanging out here and there. One night, I went out to the bars alone because he invited me out and I couldn’t find anyone to go with me. So I just put on my red dress, and made my way over there solo. I think he was happy that I was comfortable enough to go on my own. We talked for a while, and then he walked me to my car and I offered to drive him to his. Mind you, up to this point, the only physical thing that’s happened between us is that kiss on the cheek.
I get to his car and we’re kinda just sitting there…and then I see that look–the look that he’s going to do something. I start freaking out. He leans in to give me a kiss and then, before I even realize it happened, I turn my face. OMG! BRUNA WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
He stops at my cheek and gives me a peck. I could see it on his face that he was stunned. And rightfully so. I don’t think anyone would ever reject a kiss from him. But this is why I did…
As much as I enjoyed his communication and always asking me to come out and see him, I was going out to see him at work. He never asked me out on a real date. On top of that, I did my homework. I clearly Facebook stalked him before he even know I had a Facebook and saw that he was fresh out of a relationship. I didn’t want to be his rebound. I was falling for this guy so fast and so hard, I was just so scared.
Things remained the way they were. He never let me live that moment down, but I told him why I was afraid. Truthfully, I still think about it and wonder if it would have changed anything…I’ll never know for sure.
This story could go on for days, but here’s how it ultimately went down…I told him how strongly I felt and he said maybe we shouldn’t talk anymore. I was devastated. I literally cried forever, refused to go out–the whole deal. Then I realized he got back with his ex-girlfriend. So there he was, back in love with this girl. And here I am, picking up the pieces of my broken heart.
Time went on, and at one point we were able to be friends. We never hung out or anything like that, but he was always someone I could talk to about anything and he’d always have the right things to say. No matter how far he was or how much time passed. And that’s what I cherish. People would always tell me, “Oh, Bruna. It’s just because he’s so handsome.” No, it’s because he’s the full package. We share the same values and morals, he’s smart, funny, fun to be around and an all-around amazing man. But he’s not my man. And I wonder if I’ll ever meet someone that will make me forget about The Mr.
Sometimes I just think it’s so cruel. Why would the universe make me cross paths with the man I feel is the guy I’m meant to be with, just to dangle him in front of my eyes and take him away? Friends also tell me that maybe it’s the unknown that draws me to him, the “what-if” aspect of it all, since we never got to play out whatever we were doing? Maybe. But everything was so different with him. The way I acted, the way it happened. Hell, this guy never even got to kiss me, and yet, I loved him with every piece of me and everything I had.
To this day, nothing’s changed. We catch up from time to time, which is nice. My heart races when I see his name pop up on my phone. But he’s still in love with someone else. Sometimes I just think it’s not fair. Actually, a lot of the time. But what can I do? He knows how I feel. And not just by subtle hints. He knows. I told him all of this, but he didn’t do anything about it. So what am I waiting for?
Maybe his purpose in my life is so I know what to feel when I meet the right guy. Often I question whether I’m making the right judgement call with someone. Am I giving him a chance? Am I asking for too much? But then I think of The Mr., and I tell myself, no. The right guy would make me feel everything I felt with him again and more, because this time, he’ll love me back.
No matter how perfect The Mr. is in my eyes, no matter how much I think about him or how easily I can see us building a life together, there is one very important part that makes all of that useless–he doesn’t love me back.
And one day, hopefully soon, I’ll begin to realize that.