Cuddling Is More Intimate Than Sex–Here’s Why…

Yes, you read that right–cuddling.

When talking about levels of intimacy, it is my belief that snuggling with someone is a lot more affectionate than engaging in the hormonal no-pants dance, and I’m going to try and explain why that is the best I can by sharing a little story with you first.

Once upon a time, I was a young, single woman who decided to casually hook up with my neighbor, because A.) He was attractive, B.) I actually enjoyed his company, and C.) Hello, convenience. It didn’t take long at all before I was greeted with the fun fact that my suitable suitor was also quite the cuddler.

I was into him, so I wasn’t bothered by it. I just didn’t expect it, I guess, and that whole scenario–plus the fact that I overanalyze and jump into streams of thought too easily–made me think about the idea of cuddling even more.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a very affectionate person. In fact, I have plenty of people who would vouch that I’m one of the best huggers you’ll meet. But I think I’ve been single and in the non-committal dating game for so long, that to be vulnerable in someone else’s arms seemed astronomically scarier than actually sleeping with him.

Even typing that makes me sad.

We’ve come to a point in society when having sex with someone seems like nothing, but letting someone cradle you in his or her arms seems incredibly uncomfortable. You’re lying there and wondering what the heck is happening. Do I move? Do I cuddle back? How long is this going to go on for? I’m fairly convinced that it’s only uncomfortable because there’s more emotion involved. Yes, more emotion than doing something that creates another human being.

Crazy, right?

The more time I spent with my summer fling, the more I became comfortable in his arms, and so, our cuddling became organic and constant. That’s when I realized that I hadn’t really allowed myself to be held by another man since breaking up with my ex-boyfriend.

For three years, I forgot what it felt like to be tangled up in the limbs of another human being, hearing their heart beat, feeling their body heat and the warmth of their hand as it rubs your back. Furthermore, I forgot what it felt like to feel the heat rush through my own body just from the innocent touch of their hand on mine or having my heart beat so intensely that I’d have to make a quick glance to see if he could also feel the beastly thumps under my chest.

It’d been so long since I felt any of that because I became rigid. Letting my guard down just seemed scary and dangerous, but I know letting someone in is a beautiful thing when it’s done for the right reasons.

I think the whole experience also reminded me about what I look for most in a relationship–security. Being able to feel safe in someone’s arms and feeling secure in knowing that I can be comfortable around someone and it being easy, effortless and natural. Man, that’s a luxury.

Sex is many things. It can be euphoric, it can be horrible, it can be embarrassing, it can be life-changing–but it’s something that our generation doesn’t place much emphasis on. Yes, we do it with people we love, but we also do it with people we barely know (and in some instances, don’t care to ever know).

You might even find yourself scoff at past sexual experiences. Geez, I can’t believe I did that. I just wanna forget it ever happened.

But think of the last time you let someone really hold you. That was something more.

It’s always something more.

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  • I have a question? This guy I have been seeing for quite sometime, well he never wanted to commit but now I have been living with him for 2 and half months sleeping in his bed every night. He tells me he loves cuddling with me and we have great sex. He says he don’t want to be in a committed relationship with me and says he doesn’t have those kind of feelings for me but yet he don’t want me to move out. And let me add he goes off and sees other women. So my question is does he love me and he’s scared to commit or what?? I’m so confused!! If you could give me some insight on this I would greatly appreciate it.



    • Hey Kim,
      Thanks for reaching out. As you know, I’m no expert on anything, I just voice my opinion on things, so you can take my advice with a grain of salt. I don’t know your situation in detail, but from what you’ve said, I think you’re being taken advantage of. You’re clearly on two different pages here. You guys are intimate and living together, but he’s not committed to you? That’s wack. If you’ve expressed your feelings and what you want from him and he’s not reciprocating, then get to steppin’. You don’t deserve to be second fiddle to anybody. One of my favorite quotes is this: “You deserve someone who would jump fences to be with you, not someone who’s on the fence about being with you.” Since you live together it’s harder, but if you’re not giving him repercussions, then why would he change anything? You’re letting him have his cake and eat it too. Of course, if you want nothing more from him, then there’s no issue. But I don’t think you’d write me if that were the case 😉 Hope that helped!

      • I think that demands and ultimatums are never the right way to go. You can have any feelings you want to have and shouldn’t be taken advantage of. But the situation should be dealth with carefully. Sit down and have a respectufl conversation about how you’re feeling, and calmly discuss the options. Continuing to live there and feel horrible is not an option. You could break up and move out, you could be in a relationship, you could be in an open relationship. No matter what you have to carefully discuss and everyone’s feelings need to be taken seriously. In my opinion.

  • I totally agree! I’ve recently had the exact same experience and thoughts, so it was strange to read them.
    I was just thinking the other day how awkward it was when the new guy went to hold my hand though it ended up in a very awkward and prolonged moment of me flailing my arm around not quite sure what to do… I wanted to be intimate and all of that but I was nervous that’s not what he wanted.. I was scared of being rejected of holdig someones hand…how insane is that???!

  • I love this post. After ending a 2 year engangement with the love of my life nearly 10 months ago, I recently started date this amazing guy. I wanted to do something different this go around and put sex on the back burner. Well after about 2 months he finally invited me over for a movie night. I was a little skeptic because it’s usually.. ok.. dinner, hop in bed watch a movie, and BAM… seduction and sex.. but with him… he gave me intimacy by holding me in his arms.. the scent of his cologne lingering around me melted my heart and the warmth of his body against mine gave me security. Intimacy without sex is possible and it’s far more fulfilling than sex… now that I know the value I will save that until way later!

  • So I’m in a bit of a dilemma. I’m in college, and I’ve been dating this guy for about a month. We barely even act like we’re dating because we have absolutely ZERO physical contact. Holding hands, cuddling, kissing– none of that happens. I’m a very affectionate person, but I’ve been holding back because it seems like he’s not. However, I’ve become best friends with this other guy, who acts more like a boyfriend to me than my real boyfriend does. A few nights ago, we were hanging out in my room and fell asleep cuddling. We cuddled the whole night, and it was so nice to feel like someone actually cared about me. He treats me so well and makes sure I’m okay, and it feels like he cares more about me than my boyfriend does. I don’t know if I’m falling for my friend or not, but I do know it’s an issue that I’m more intimate with my best friend than my boyfriend. And the kicker? My best friend is my boyfriend’s roommate. I feel like this can’t end well any way. My boyfriend knows he slept over in my room and he said he doesn’t care, but I can’t tell if he’s just saying that. But he acts like he’s not bothered by us being so close, which is almost worse because it feels like he doesn’t even consider me his girlfriend. Why am I more emotionally connected with my friend than my boyfriend? And can this end well at all?

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